The Grumpus in the Halls of Academe
February 20th, 2010
So I decided to go back to college. (STOP LAUGHING!) I’m sure you’re asking why.
People ask me why I went back to school. Actually, nobody really does ask me. Nobody gives a crap. But I gotta have something to write about, don’t I? What else am I supposed to do? Homework? Screw that.
Now, back to why I went back to school. (I said, “STOP LAUGHING!”) Aren’t the reasons obvious? There are broads¹ there! I signed up for college so I can sit in the classroom and be The Creepy Old Guy (“make him stop looking at me!”). And I’m gonna be a Creepy Old Guy until I’m a Dead Old Guy.
So I like girls; you got a problem with that? I am one dirty joke away from a sexual harassment lawsuit. When did liking girls become a crime? (I know what you want to say to me – “the way you do it, it is”).
I’m working on becoming a computer technician. (I’m warning you. Your laughing is driving me macadamias. I mean nuts.) What’s that? I’m too old to know about computers? Well of COURSE I know about them, They are those TV things with the typewriter attached. Do I look that dumb? Don’t answer that.
On my first day, I proclaimed that I already knew everything. The instructor asked me, “what’s a chipset?”. Come on. I know THAT— it’s those things I play poker with. He tried correcting me, the nitwit.
Man, it used to be you could go to college, then go to work, and be DONE with that classroom crap. But, NOOOO, we gotta keep changing all the technology on a day by day basis. You want to keep up with the latest in computer technology? There’s an easy way to do that: just buy a new computer every Monday.
I was a computer geek long ago. I started out using punch cards, sometime during the late Cretaceous. This was when “Made in Japan” meant “piece of junk” This was when “PC” stood for Player Character². This was when “virus” only had the one meaning. This was when a monitor was a lizard. This was when a personal printer was called a typewriter. This was when a laptop was a pretty young blonde³. Gentlemen prefer blondes, but dirty old lechers like me aren’t so particular.
I would tell you which college I am attending, but that would make it too easy for the sexual harassment lawyers to find me. Not to mention all those women stalking me (I wish).
¹Screw Political Correctness
²If you know what that means, you need to get a life.
³And I couldn’t afford a good one then, either
- The Grumpus
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