The Future Ain’t What It Used To Be
December 28th, 2009
Future Highway
In the Year 2000: You would jump into your flying car, and hop down to the spaceport to pick up the next passenger flight to Mars. Of course, to be fair, on the ship to Mars, the computer took up half the spacecraft, but the important thing was GOING TO MARS!! Where do we get to go now? North Dakota? I guess North Dakota would be the place to go to get away from it all; and I do mean ALL. North Dakota is away from EVERYTHING. Kansas has Smallville, and even Iowa has Captain Kirk. North Dakota ain’t got NOTHIN’; unless you count dinosaur bones — which I don’t.
To the folks living in North Dakota: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I mean, I apologize. I’m sorry you live in the most boring state in the country. I guess I just lost all the potential subscribers in North Dakota. What would that be? About four people? Are there even any computers there?
In the year 2000: We were going to have colonies on Mars; or at least Luna. What the hell happened to the Space Race? We got to the moon; there were no Klingons, and we gave up. If it was that boring, we coulda saved billions and just gone to North Dakota.
I can’t get into my flying car, emigrate to Mars, and get the hell AWAY from all the nitwits; but they sure the hell can bug me all the time on my pocket phone (of all the FREAKIN’ predictions to come true…). My all-time favorite bumper sticker: “Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?”
In the Year 2000: We would have laser guns. I’m still trying to figure out how to set my laser printer to “kill”. I’ve seen lasers in physics labs, and even most of those were low-powered. The sign said “Do Not Look Into Laser With Remaining Eye”. Come on; I’m not that dumb. Of course, I have no depth perception anymore…
In the Year 2000: We were supposed to have power “too cheap to meter”; instead we let the nitwits scare us away from nuclear power. Look, tree-huggers: where do you think your power comes from NOW? Angels beating their wings? You really prefer ten tons of coal dust in the atmosphere over a few pounds of radioactive waste? Radioactivity is everywhere NOW. You live in a brick house? Plenty of radioactivity. Part of the carbon in your very DNA is radioactive carbon-12, the same isotope used for dating old stuff — and I should know about THAT.
In the Year 2000: The sexual revolution was expected to continue full steam ahead. I was REALLY looking forward to that. What did we get? Safe sex. To HELL with safe sex. I can barely make Mr. Happy function at all anymore (damn blood pressure medication); if I stick a balloon on it, the party is OVER. Some of you are saying “What about AIDS? Aren’t you afraid of AIDS?”. You still buy THAT? Two decades,and it is still overwhelmingly stubbornly confined to gays, drug addicts, and Africa.
Not that it really matters to me. I am heterosexual, but only theoretically. I couldn’t score in a woman’s prison with a fistful of pardons.
— The Grumpus
LINKS
There is a guy still trying to make the Flying Car. He is MY HERO.
AIDS as an STD is a load of crapola. This guy is a PhD biochemist, and he is being treated like the Church treated Copernicus and Galileo.
And these guys agree with us.
Predictions regarding the year 2000, written in 1900.
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December 29th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Well, at least we have communicators!!! Are tricorders that far behind?