The Bullshit to English Dictionary

December 28th, 2009

Can anybody just say what they really mean anymore? No, that guy isn’t a “mentally challenged dyslexic”; he’s a NITWIT. No, I am not a “socially awkward person of size with anger-management issues”, I am a fat, pissed-off dork.

The part that REALLY drives me insane (short trip) is in the relationship arena. I swear, women have a goddamn code book. Will ANYONE tell us the freakin’ code? I want all the men who REALLY understand women to send me a hundred bucks. Let me check my account; just as I thought.

There was the time, ten years ago, when I actually found a woman crazy enough to put up with me (lasted about five months). Pigs were flying through hell wearing ice skates.

After a few months dating her, I made the mistake of saying “I need some space for a few days”. To me, that meant I needed some space. As in space; like closet space. You know — some time to myself, hence the word “space”.

So I said it to her, and she gives me this Look. You all know the look. You ever see a dog who knows he’s in big trouble, but has no idea why? That’s the look I got. I was able to rescue things that time.

A few months later, she decided to go into therapy. I tried to talk her out of it, but to no avail; she came to her senses, and that was the end of THAT relationship.

So that got me thinking. That kind of obfuscation is rampant; not just in the man/woman thing (or man/man, or man/goat on fire, or whatever floats your boat)arena. We need a translation from the code book, not just the one that women use; the one we ALL use.

So, I proudly present excerpts from:

THE BULLSHIT TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY

SPORTS

Never could figure out the fascination with sports. What IS it with watching a bunch of sweaty men in jockstraps? Why is it that the guys who love that stuff are the same ones who declare their homophobia so loudly?

When a coach says “We are in a rebuilding season”
It really means : “We suck”

THE JOB MARKET

This is an arena in which I have gotten WAY too much experience the last few years. For some reason, employers don’t want to keep a sour old smartass who gripes all the time. Go figure.

When a job ad says “Inside Sales”
It really means: “Telemarketing with a dress code”. I never could figure out the nitwits who run call centers and want me to wear a tie. I HATE wearing a tie; it’s a symbolic leash. I have a revelation for you; when you call someone on the phone; THEY CAN’T SEE YOU!!.

When a job ad says “Multitasking”
It really means “You will be doing the same job that took five people last year”

POLITICS

Bullshit in politics is redundant, but there are still a couple of points to be made.

When a Democrat says, “we are going to pump a gazillion dollars into the economy to stimulate it”, it really means, “we are going to hand a gazillion dollars to the same nitwits who caused the depression in the first place”.

When a Republican says, “the Democrats need to reach across the aisle to find common ground on issues of national importance,” it really means, “The Democrats need to do whatever we want and call it a compromise.”

When a politician says anything else,
It really means “Please vote for me (again)”

TECHNOLOGY

Trying to keep up with THIS crap is enough to drive you to drinking: cyanide.

Computer: Glorified abacus and typewriter.

Cell Phone: Glorified walkie-talkie

Powerpoint: Glorified slideshow

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

One day, I will finally figure out what women really mean. Yeah, right after I unlock all the mysteries of time, space, light, and gravity.

Phrase: “We took our relationship to the next level”

When a man says that
It really means “I got a blowjob”

When a woman says that
It really means “He gave me his credit card”

Phrase: “I love you”

When a man says that
It really means: “I want to pork you (again)”

When a woman says that
It really means: “You have enough stuff for me to take after I grow tired of you hanging around me.”

This is only the bare beginning. But you get the idea, unless you’re a nitwit. Feel free to leave me comments with other ideas. Why should I have to bust my ass thinking of everything?

- The Grumpus